I Hate Being Here.

Evan & Jaron - Distance

This will probably only consist of rants, so if you hate it when I whine, feel free to gtfo.

I'm trying not to think about it, and most of the time, I don't, but when I do, I realize that GODDAMN I am sad as hell.

Everyone's left, and I feel awkward. There are still some people here, but no one I feel close to (at least not anymore), and everyone has their own shit to do. I sometimes wish I went to SDSU just to be closer to everyone in SoCal. It's not something I'd ever do because even I think that's silly, to go to a school I don't want to go to just for other people, but I really hate being here now.

"Everyone" that's left includes Kenneth. It's only been a couple days, but I still haven't even gotten to really talk to him. I didn't mind at first cuz I can understand that he's excited, but now, I feel so fucking sad that I can't stand it anymore. Of course, I'm not going to bother to even tell him cuz, for one, he's too busy, and two, why should I make him feel bad just cuz he did better than me in school and left? I have no right; it just makes me want to get over him, though. I'm sick of waiting to talk to him all the time, and I'm not going to whine to him about not giving me enough attention, so I'd rather just end it. Call me extreme, but shit, I'm sad as fuck. I know I'll see him soon enough, but just seeing him isn't enough. I'm still trying to think that it's all because he's just moved in and he's going out since he doesn't have school yet. I'm sure it's not even as bad as I might make it sound, but I keep getting closer to becoming depressed that I just don't want to worry about it anymore. Even though I didn't want it to, my world pretty much revolved around him, and now, I'm down in the pits. Fuck it.

What makes me more mad about my situation is that I'm at school with all these other people from high school that didn't even fucking try, and I'm at the same level as them now at this damn college. Fuck. I know it's my own fault for being such a stubborn motherfucker about studying and/ or even trying in high school, but this fucking sucks. Why the fuck am I here. Fuck this shit. God, I wanna just crawl into bed and never get out. I have no fucking motivation cuz I have no idea what the fuck to major in, and it's gonna take two years to transfer.... that's fucking long. God. I don't want to even try (Yah, I must be really stubborn and stupid to say that) cuz I don't think I can push myself for two years in this banal shithole.

Rant rant rant raaannttt. Second day of school tomorrow at "college." Whatever. I feel so out of it that I don't even know how I'm going to get up tomorrow. I was having trouble sleeping last night till 2 AM, and the only person who was there for me wasn't even Kenneth. Hah.