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John Mayer - Slow Dancing In a Burning Room
Nobody's going to come and save you...
Kenneth and I broke up.
He was my perfect boyfriend, and he says I was his ideal (though I think that idea died long ago), but we weren't happy. He broke up with me, and I am still in love with him, but I don't think I was completely happy either. I'm sure he was less happy than I was though. I think I need a long time off to think about the things I really want, and whether whatever those are includes a relationship. I'm really sad that we broke up, but I think it's not only because I loved him, but also because I loved the thought of him. I'm still unclear about how I feel about this, but I just know that I'm grateful for Kenneth being my first love. And every time I think of him from now on, I'm going to beat myself up repeatedly with a mental bat for fucking up our relationship that I couldn't even dare to dream of.
Well, fuck.
Evan & Jaron - Distance
This will probably only consist of rants, so if you hate it when I whine, feel free to gtfo.
I'm trying not to think about it, and most of the time, I don't, but when I do, I realize that GODDAMN I am sad as hell.
Everyone's left, and I feel awkward. There are still some people here, but no one I feel close to (at least not anymore), and everyone has their own shit to do. I sometimes wish I went to SDSU just to be closer to everyone in SoCal. It's not something I'd ever do because even I think that's silly, to go to a school I don't want to go to just for other people, but I really hate being here now.
"Everyone" that's left includes Kenneth. It's only been a couple days, but I still haven't even gotten to really talk to him. I didn't mind at first cuz I can understand that he's excited, but now, I feel so fucking sad that I can't stand it anymore. Of course, I'm not going to bother to even tell him cuz, for one, he's too busy, and two, why should I make him feel bad just cuz he did better than me in school and left? I have no right; it just makes me want to get over him, though. I'm sick of waiting to talk to him all the time, and I'm not going to whine to him about not giving me enough attention, so I'd rather just end it. Call me extreme, but shit, I'm sad as fuck. I know I'll see him soon enough, but just seeing him isn't enough. I'm still trying to think that it's all because he's just moved in and he's going out since he doesn't have school yet. I'm sure it's not even as bad as I might make it sound, but I keep getting closer to becoming depressed that I just don't want to worry about it anymore. Even though I didn't want it to, my world pretty much revolved around him, and now, I'm down in the pits. Fuck it.
What makes me more mad about my situation is that I'm at school with all these other people from high school that didn't even fucking try, and I'm at the same level as them now at this damn college. Fuck. I know it's my own fault for being such a stubborn motherfucker about studying and/ or even trying in high school, but this fucking sucks. Why the fuck am I here. Fuck this shit. God, I wanna just crawl into bed and never get out. I have no fucking motivation cuz I have no idea what the fuck to major in, and it's gonna take two years to transfer.... that's fucking long. God. I don't want to even try (Yah, I must be really stubborn and stupid to say that) cuz I don't think I can push myself for two years in this banal shithole.
Rant rant rant raaannttt. Second day of school tomorrow at "college." Whatever. I feel so out of it that I don't even know how I'm going to get up tomorrow. I was having trouble sleeping last night till 2 AM, and the only person who was there for me wasn't even Kenneth. Hah.
Copeland - Love Affair
(zomg. I'm in love with this song. Awesome how I didn't make a corny pun with the song title and all, right? I know.)
Over my Christmas break, I got to see Duy again after a couple of months. Thinking about it, he wasn't gone for that long, but it really felt like forever. We ate, hung out, ate, played piano, went to MGL where he met Kenneth, got 8 tubes of Gummy Choco and a big box of Hello Panda, and... well, not much. I don't know, but it was really nice just seeing him and being able to talk to him.
He left for KS, and soon, he'll leave for Afghanistan.
It's in a couple of weeks, he says. He told me to go to sleep when he woke me up at 3 AM this morning with a call. All he was feeling, I couldn't comfort him. He wouldn't let me.
I hope it's not what he says.. but by the way he talked the night before he left, I feel like he's prepared me, though I know I'm not even close.
.. as I'm waiting for him to leave.
Copeland - I'm a Sucker for a Kind Word
On Friday, I went with Kenneth to his Joi Ying performance for a Vietnamese community thing for the new mayor of San Jose, Chuck Reed. It was pretty fun, though at first, I was really nervous. I didn't know anyone, I didn't know how to approach anyone. Zomg, so I just watched the cute little kids who were the demons. :D They performed their opening, but something happened and they didn't get to do their drunken lion part. We sat in the back and ate. I wasn't going to eat at first, but Kenneth's friend, Wilkent, started putting food on my plate. I still refused to eat, but he called over an adult (Iono if he was one of their sifu) and told him I wouldn't eat. I tried not to look at him, but he started tapping my shoulder, saying, "Excuse me." I slowly turned around with a meek "yes," and started getting grilled as to why I wasn't eating: Why aren't you eating? You're not hungry? The food's not good enough for you? You want some McDonald's?... eek. He then called a waiter over and told him in Chinese that I didn't think the food was good enough. The waiter asked if I needed lobster to eat. T__T So embarrassing. I told them I'd eat, and the guy told me that I was a guest and they had to pay for me. Aiyah..
Anyway, getting to know Kenneth's other friends was cool. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and Kenneth's friend, Brian.. Bryan(?), started mocking me. He was pretending to tie up his nonexistent long hair, and leaned his head on Kenneth. Kenneth told me that he pushed him away and Br_an threatened him with flicking. Spot on. -___-
I saw The Holiday. It didn't get great reviews, but I liked it.
I have plenty-o-tubes of Gummy Choco, which will run out quickly.
My state of mind is still in vaca-mode. Dammit. *shank*
Well, fuck.
